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Chapter 1: The Complete Buffy the Vampire Slayer in 1500 words or Less

Author's Notes:

The Complete Buffy the Vampire Slayer in 1000 Words or Less

Demons: This place rocks

Old African Guys: Sucks for us though. Hmmm …

Primitive: Grrrrr!

Demons: Yikes!

Primitive: *Dies*

Demons: Woohoo!

Old African Guys: Not so fast

Next Slayer: Grrrrr!

Demons: Crap …

Master: Wow, a hooker dying of syphilis *Bites*

Darla: Wow, a drunk Irishman *Bites*

Angelus: Wow, a devout Christian girl. *Drives her shithouse crazy, then Bites*

Drusilla: Wow, a wimpy momma's boy *Bites*

Romanian Guys: Angelus, you suck *curses*

Angel: I so totally did suck *eats rats for best part of century and broods*

Powers that Be: This should be fun *kazowee!*

Buffy: Huh? *burns down gymnasium*

Hellmouth: Come out, come out, wherever you are

Demons: You bet

Scoobies: Yikes!

Angel: She's hot and I have a case of pedophilia you WOULDN'T BELIEVE!

Buffy: He's hot! Except that his skin is cold and … Yikes!

Angel: I'm bad

Buffy: Yeah you were, but you're still totally hot so I forgive you

Xander, Willow and Giles: This isn't going to end well

Everyone: Nice Dress!

Master: I'm going to kill you Slayer *Kills Slayer*

Buffy: *gets better* I'm going to kill you Master! *kills Master*

Fans: Woohoo!

TV Critics: Hmmm, this might be okay

Spike: I'm badass, I've killed two Slayers, and Billy Idol should totally sue

Kendra: I have a bad Jamaican accent. *leaves*

Buffy: I'm 17

Angel: You're wet. Let's take off all of our clothes

Buffy: *Gasp*

Angel *Sigh*

Buffy *Moan*

Angelus: Finally!

Spike: Crap

Buffy: Crap

Jenny: Crap *dies*

Fans: What the *%$@&! They killed Jenny?!?!?!

Joss Whedon: *snickers*

Oz: Woof?

Angelus: I'm going to destroy the world

Kendra: Hey, me and my accent are back … Grack! *dies*

Buffy: No way!

Joyce: Wow, I really am retarded

Acathla: *Yawn*

Willow: *Latin stuff*

Angel: Buffy?

Sword: Howdy Angel!

Angel: Ouch!

Acathla: Well that was quick. *stops yawning and sucks Angel into hell*

Fans: But, but … Whedon you bastard!

Joss Whedon: *snickers*

Faith: Hey, check me out! I'm the bad Slayer cuz I smoke and have sex

Angel: Wow, hell really sucks

Buffy: I'm going to change my mind about relationships 26 times in the next 11 episodes

Xander and Willow: *smoochies*

Cordy and Oz: !

First Evil: I'm either going to make Angel on my side or slay him!

Snow: Too bad

Mayor Wilkins: Crazy kids. I guess I'll just eat lots of bugs and turn into a big snake

Xander: I do matter! *Faith jumps him*

Faith: Shit. I just killed that guy. *shrugs* May as well be evil then.

Scoobies: This can't be good

Angel: I'm leaving Buffy. Mostly because the romance is getting tired after 3 seasons, but also because Joss wrote me a whole show to brood in

Buffy: *Cries*

Faith: Oh yeah? *shoots*

Angel: Argg!

Buffy: Bitch! *stabs Faith*

Mayor Wilkins: Bitch! *turns into big snake*

Big stack o' dynamite: BOOM!

Willow: Wow, it sure is convenient that our town has a UC campus that offers every course we want

Buffy: Sure is, and man I'm going to pack all my college mistakes and wildness into two weeks *Has one night stand and gets drunk* Whew, glad I got that out of my system

Willow: Wow, you sure got your college wildness out fast. I wonder what I can do in college that's new and experimental?

Joss Whedon: *snickers*

Oz: Hey, that chick with the throaty voice sure is hot … Grrr

Veruca: Grrrrr

Oz: *leaves*

Willow: *cries*

Spike: Well I'm back since I have nothing better to do. Argg!

Initiative: Gotcha *surgery*

Spike: Ow!

Riley: I'm apple pie and Midwest values personified. I'm the cure to any girl's bad-boy phase

Joss Whedon: I think I'll write an entire episode with no dialogue

Buffy Fans watching Hush for the first time: Wow!

Emmy Awards: *Snubs*

Tara: I'm quirky and shy

Witchcraft: I'm a metaphor for lesbianism

Fans: ?

Adam: Grrrrr!

Everyone Else: Yikes!

Faith: I'm still bad and I'm well rested!

Willow: Yep, this “witchcraft” thing is totally for me

G.L.A.D.: Woohoo!

Male fans hoping for HLA: Woohoo!

WB Censors: Are you fucking kidding me? Dude, we show 7th Heaven and Felicity

Male fans hoping for HLA: Booo!

Matrix Buffy: I'm the amalgamation of all of the Scoobies and Adam, you are FUCKED

Adam: Grack! *dies*

Joss Whedon: Look at me, I'm David Lynch!!

Fans: ?

Dawn: I'm Buffy's sister!

Fans: ??????

Joss Whedon: *snickers*

Buffy: I'm exploring the dark side of my gift

Dawn: I'm here to be annoying and confusing!

Riley: I'm tired of being Dudley Do-right personified *goes to vamp glory-hole*

Joyce: What's this pain in my head?

Spike: Dude, I am the biggest masochist EVER.

Glory: Where's my key? *wreaks havoc*

Fox and the WB: We want more money! We want to pay less money!

Fans: ????????

UPN: We have money. *flashes lots of money*

Fans: Woohoo!

Riley: *leaves*

Joyce: *dies*

Joss Whedon: *snicker*

Buffy fans seeing The Body for the first time: Oh … my … god

Emmy Awards *snubs*

Glory: I have my key!

Dawn: Crap

Buffy: Live, for me *dies*

Willow: Not so fast. I'm and uber witch now and I got mad skillz *resurrects Buffy*

Buffy in Heaven: Huh? *dragged out*

Buffy on earth: Wow, does this suck. What can I do to show how utterly disgusted I am with myself and the world?

Spike: Ahem

Trio: We're evil, but not too evil.

Joss Whedon: You know, I think this would work better with some … Jazz Hands!

Buffy fans watching Once More, With Feeling for the first time: Holy Shit!

Emmy Awards: *snubs*

Tara: I'm leaving you

Fans: No!

Witchcraft: When did I stop being a metaphor for lesbianism and become a metaphor for drugs?

Buffy: Spike, you disgust me *jumps*

Spike: *moan*

Buffy: *squeak*

Spike *grunt*

House: *caves in*

Joss Whedon: Children, leave the room now

Xander: Anya, I love you but I still carry a torch for Buffy that burns hotter than the surface of the sun

Anya: Grrrr

Buffy fans watching Normal Again for the first time: Whedon, you bastard!

Joss Whedon: Wait for it …

Buffy fans watching Seeing Red for the first time: Amber Benson is in the opening credits!! Yay! We love Tara and ….. WHEDON YOU BASTARD!

Joss Whedon: *snickers*

Dark Willow: Grrrrrr!

Trio: *hides*

Dark Willow: *flays*

Xander: *Tells story about crayons*

Willow: *cries*

Buffy: *gives lecture on nature of power*

New Sunnydale High: Grrrrrr!

Girl running around in Europe we've never seen: Grack! *dies*

Bringers: Woohoo!

Spike: I have a soul now and I'm shithouse crazy in the basement

Willow: I'm recovered now and have a new found respect for power

Anya: Vengeance sucks *becomes human*

Halfrek: Grack! *dies*

Spike: I'm killing people and don't even know I'm doing it

First Evil: I'm made up of all the evil in the world and my master plan involves … making a vampire evil? Uh …..

Watcher's Council: We know what we're doing

Big Ass Explosion: Sure you do *BOOM!*

Giles: Look what I found. *brings home teenage girls*

Kennedy: I'm overtly gay and I'm going to be a device to show that Willow really is gay and wasn't going through a phase

Witchcraft: Wasn't I supposed to be that? Oh yeah, the drugs thing. What am I a metaphor for this time?

Andrew: Xander stopped being funny around season 5 so they brought me in

Ubervamp: Grrrr!

Lord of the Rings fans: Hmmm, this guy looks really familiar …

Scoobies: Ack!

Ubervamp: *dies*

Robin Wood: My mom was a Slayer that Spike killed *gets ass kicked by same vampire*

Caleb: Grrrr!

Scoobies: Ack!

Caleb: *pokes*

Xander: Ow!

Buffy: We should fight him again

Everyone else: Are you fucking nuts? Get lost

Buffy: *leaves*

Everyone else: *crazy `world is ending' sex*

Buffy and Spike: *snuggles*

Buffy: Thanks for the convenient axe thing

Angel: Hi

Caleb: Grack *dies*

Angel: Well here's the convenient necklace thing. Bye *leaves*

Buffy: Let's totally ignore everything I said all year about power and responsibility and just suddenly imbue girls all over the world with superpowers with absolutely no explanation as to why they can suddenly bench press Hondas.

Everyone else: Sounds great! *Big fight with lots of baddies, an ancient weapon, a magical piece of jewelry and a white wizard*

Lord of the Rings fans: I could swear I've seen this somewhere before …

Spike: This can't be good *catches fire*

Buffy: I love you

Sunnydale: *sinks*

The End