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|Author: Asher Rating: PG-13 Genre: Angst Published: 01st February 2007 Last Updated: 01st February 2007 Reviews: (3)||
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Chapter 1: And She Knew
Author's Notes: Just something I came up with one night when bored. Hope you like it!
Once upon a time she had wanted her dead.
Those were the thoughts drifting in Faith's mind as she sat on her top bunk in her crappy little cell, staring out of the barred window. A cigarette was in her hand, the black ashes falling to the floor like sprinkling snowflakes as it burned itself steadily to the filter. She was too far away to even muster up the effort to suck or blow, but it just seemed right to have one lit at this very moment. Maybe some kinda fucked up tribute that was way over due.
As she thought back to the call from Tara, a woman she had barely even met, she'd known before she'd even said a single word. It was just one of those things that one realizes like a blow to the chest that always preceeded bad news. She had known however because it felt like someone had ripped the soul from her body, like she was missing this giant chunk of what made her Faith in the first place. That thing...that horrible and yet overwhelming thing that she didn't experience so much since being sent to jail.
The last time she had felt it had been about a year ago, right before she made her confession to Kate Lockley. Her brown orbs had focused on the object of her madness for a brief second, telling her that she was sorry. That she was doing this for her, to earn what she had always desperately wanted but never recieved. Love, acceptance and all the things that didn't make a fucken difference right now.
The tingle was gone and she was too quiet inside. The bond was severed and she was truly alone. No more joint dreams and no more wishing to see those sparkling green eyes flash with emotion. Those eyes were closed forever now, buried deep in the Earth and locked in a box. That was the one thing they still had in common perhaps; they were both in cages now. Yet she was here, she was breathing and she was feeling, and she could sense herself dying inside piece by piece. Each beat of her strong heart cut into her like shards of glass. Each slither of air choked her more than she could ever suspect possible.
It was insane but in her mind she saved her. In her head she busted out of this prison and defeated the evil right at the last minute. And she would be covered in praise, and lightning would strike in the form of hugs and kisses. Fantasies were the only thing that kept her going in this instant. If she allowed herself to accept, to finally let go then she'd be a betrayer once again. Stabbing the only person who'd ever gave a damn about her in the back over and over, easing her into the ground.
In some fucked up reality, Faith wished it was different. She wished her golden girl had been turned, even that would be more bearable than this. And then she'd leave this hell, find her vampire match and keep her hidden away from the world. Feed her and stroke her, but keep her just the same. Idly she wondered what was Angel going through, if he felt the pain as deep as she did. It wasn't fair if it was deeper for him. It wasn't fair if he tried to be more depressed than she was. They had both loved her in their sick ways...in the end.
Hello. F- Faith. You probably don't r- remember me but I'm Tara, Willow's girlfriend. I- I have some bad n-news.
Just like that. Just like that the walls that had taken her years to erect came crashing down onto her like the weight of the world. No tears. No fucken tears...she couldn't stand them. It wouldn't help the situation anyway, probably make it worse if the other inmates saw her sobbing in a corner. If they saw her clutch her chest and sink to the floor, screaming so loud that the windows shattered from her pain. So instead she listened with a cold demeanor, swallowing hard and punching the wall, making the chunks crumble to the floor. She had known before she even said a single word.
Next came the anger at anyone and anything. How dare the sun still rise? How dare the others still breathe? How dare the planet not stop spinning? Did they not care or were they just too into their own shit to give a damn? Her questions had came fast and furious to the blonde witch, with a harshness that she could not play down. Tara however, beautiful sweet Tara knew what to say. Her answers were gentle and kind, and she went out of her way to make the brunette feel better. But there was no feeling better. There was only sadness, grief and death.
The passion was slowly seeping away; she could almost see it fluttering out of her pores. That kill or be killed spark that made things just a little bit more interesting was gone. All the hate and all the despair was collecting in her system, and for a second she wondered if she were back in that coma.
The what ifs were quick to follow.
What if she had just called her back after the mess with Mrs. Post?
What if she had shown remose for killing the Deputy Mayor?
What if she expressed her feelings?
What if she hadn't been jealous of Angel?
What if she wasn't here?
What if she wasn't her?
God the emptiness was staggering; had it always been so bad? No, because every since she could remember being called she remembered the hum that she was not alone. There was another just like her in the world and it meant she always had a safe place to go. When the world said a big fuck you...when mommy drank too much and her boyfriend of the week tried to get frisky. When the thoughts of suicide and breaking free filtered her brain. She had a safe haven once upon a time...and now all she had was darkness. A wide open space where she clutched at something, anything but nothing came. The hand that had warmly helped her up was now so cold, so cold that it chilled her to the bone. So why was she still holding on?
Because she couldn't let go. Letting go meant giving up and she did not give up. She did not give up.
It-it's Buffy. She...she's...gone. She...um she died and...and s-saved us all.
Faith snorted before she could stop herself. Well that was just like B, having to go out all righteous or not at all. And she had known before she even said a single word. Tara figured she'd wanna know, there was just something in her broken aura that told her the entire story. The unrequited love and bitter hate that went together so perfectly. That line between fighting and making love that started when the first punch was thrown. That crested when the knife slid into supple flesh. That simmered to the after glow when the jail house door closed with a loud clank.
Sitting on her bed and tossing the burnt out butt across the room, she sighed and leaned her head back, closing her eyes. The tears were there but they couldn't fall. But they were there and that had to mean something. That she felt it...that it was real...that she'd loved her. Now she was alone. She was surrounded by women and guards but she was alone. The only person who made her tremble by just walking into the room was gone. Lying cold and so still, and so far away. Least when they were fighting the fire was alive, and that was better than nothing.
The truth was, it should have been her. It should have been Faith fucken Lehane. The world didn't need another screw up, another fucker to fuck it over. It needed a hero and she was anything but. And for that she hated herself. If she were a champion it would have made things better. But she was a murderer...and it should have been her.
Faith. You're not alone. You never were.
Climbing off the bunk, she moved to the window and glanced up at the sky. Absently she touched the scar on her abdomen, wetting her lips with her pink tongue. Life would go on as it did and tonight would seep into today. It was true that she was different now, but something inside was still broken. One girl in all the world...
"Yo, Rambo." Eddie the guard called out, using her nickname. "You got a vistor."
Grumbling and just wanting to be left alone, she followed him out of the cell as he opened the door, heading down the hallway. It was a short trek and soon she was out front, flopping down into a chair. She gazed back at the person on the other side of the glass before taking the phone in her hand.
"Angel. What cha doing here?"
He watched her intently. "I...I have something to tell you. It's about Buffy."
And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
And she knew. She knew before he said a single word.
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